Rolling back the years and meeting old friends

Here are nine things I learned at my 40-year college reunion

“Our friends go with us as we go
Down the long path where Beauty wends,
Where all we love foregathers, so why should
we fear to join our friends?”
(inscription on the grave of Oliver St John Gogarty)

Last month, our Galway University class of 1986 held a 40-year reunion at the idyllic Renvyle House Hotel in Connemara. Renvyle is my home place. I visit regularly and know the poets’ descriptions aren’t exaggerated. It really is an area of shifting light and shadow, with the low autumn sun luminous and reflective on the wet boglands and quartzite peaks of the Twelve Bens. I have experienced this many times, but I hadn’t expected the weather gods to smile so benevolently for three whole days in October.

Here are a few reflections on the weekend.

1. Most people, including me, felt a little anxious about coming together after so many years. But pre-event communication on social media significantly reduced that anxiety. In the WhatsApp group, familiar personalities emerged, memories were evoked, and excitement and anticipation grew as the event drew nearer.

2. The location and venue set the tone for the gathering. Renvyle House is a low grey building at the edge of the Atlantic. After a long journey for most, the reward was arriving at what felt like a friend’s country house rather than a hotel, where each guest was there by special invitation. The house, self-contained and intimate, with a strong sense of history (it used to be the home of Oliver St John Gogarty), let guests mingle and reconnect quickly, with no temptation to form breakaway groups and disappear to familiar haunts.

3. People reconnect in various ways. Some are outgoing and vivacious and seem able to chat with everyone at once; others take their time, preferring to spend more time with a few, and gradually feel their way back into the group. I lie somewhere in the middle of this spectrum and the relaxed atmosphere meant I never felt rushed.

4. Because it had been so long since I had seen many people, I had stopped thinking of them as ‘friends’. But after a couple of days, I felt our bonds of friendship revive despite the intervening years. We had spent six of our most formative years working towards a common goal. We had set aside time and made an effort to reconnect. We celebrated each other’s good fortune while acknowledging that many had overcome significant challenges. These friends had been there all along, waiting to be rediscovered.

5. Can people change and still stay the same? To me, it seemed as if the admirable qualities apparent in youth had grown. Or perhaps age lets us appreciate them more, brings a deeper understanding of human nature, and makes us more tolerant of the unexpected.

6. There were many contradictions to comprehend. Forty years is a long time, but in retrospect, it feels short. Gone in a flash. So much has changed in everyone’s life, yet we still enjoy meeting and exchanging stories about who we used to be.

7. Before the event, a friend asked whether we should organise outside entertainment. What if we ended up sitting in silence with nothing to say? That would be awkward. On the night of our arrival, two resident musicians played in the bar, but decided not to return the second night, as they could hardly hear themselves over the din and chatter. The noise level didn’t decrease on the second night.

8. Every new conversation helped create a sense of wellbeing and reconnection. In a world experiencing an epidemic of loneliness, this sense of belonging is a privilege that many do not experience. As the weekend came to a close and we went our separate ways with promises to keep in touch, it was clear others felt this renewed sense of belonging and wanted to hold on to it. Belonging is one of our greatest needs. This weekend renewed this sense of kinship, the feeling of being deeply connected to others that we may have taken for granted in our youth. Six years of medical school and a career in medicine are a privilege. In 1980, we came together as 50 teenagers. In 1986, we left as young adults, somewhat more mature, with a sense of purpose and the tools for a life-long career if we chose to use them. Some 40 years later, the post-event WhatsApp posts indicate that, despite our diverse paths, we all felt that strong and sustaining sense of belonging, with people expressing gratitude and appreciation for the chance to spend quality time with old friends.

9. I have one small regret. Next time, I’ll definitely do some pre-event wrinkle management and avoid close-up photographs.